“Home was the center of the world because it was the place where a vertical line crossed with a horizontal one.” (56)
-John Berger, And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief as Photos
Home isn’t solely the building you live in or yearn return to; this home certainly can be of something that one misses; memories, places, persons.
But sometimes, returning home feels like stepping off the edge of a cliff. I believe we need to take that leap, the final step over the edge, in order to return home, no matter how fearful we are, to find that person, and to revisit that memory. It may be as painful as death, but without taking that chance there will be no returning, there will be no growth.
The afternoon went as most afternoons go. I jogged up the stairs and skipped to the edge of the crosswalk, staring at my phone. On the screen was the waiting chat, my thumb hovered over your name. For a moment, seconds felt like years. My chest tightened as my thumb slowly pressed the screen. This is the only way you’ll get better. My hands slowly felt like jello as it shook and struggled to grasp my phone. I anxiously watched the past months load and quickly scroll by on the screen. Well you’ve stepped off the edge of the cliff; I hope you’re ready for the landing.
For some, the horizontal and vertical lines that meet are forever fixated in a place, a place on a map that one can revisit at heart’s content. For me, the places I call home are people who never seemed to stay. As it is written in the laws of mathematics, intersecting lines meet once and never again as they stretch on to infinity. I question, are we intersecting lines, or parabolas destined to meet once every few months? It is often said that people come and go, that each and every person we meet have their own roles in our life; permanency is not guaranteed. Is it wrong to hang on the belief that if I hold onto them hard enough, everyone will stay?
Yes, it is wrong. It’s wrong to force people to stay against their will, pushing an invisible gun to their temple.
I looked up in time to see the crosswalk sign flash the final countdown and I ran across the street to board my waiting bus. With each step my legs quivered, It seems that they devolved into jello as well.
I settled into my seat at the back of the empty bus and took my phone out to continue my fall. Now where did I go wrong…
I’m still falling, wondering what to do once I’ve landed. All I know now is that there are thoughts to be sorted, perceptions to be fixed, and fears to be stomped upon. I don’t feel as scared as I was when I took the first step off the edge. Actually, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the chance that has been given to me. I will be a better version of myself. When all has been sorted, the only thing left for me is to wait.
“The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, “If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. “Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”
― Jim Rohn